Undo-Rush of Fools

I've been here before, now here I am again
Standing at the door, praying You'll let me back in
To label me a prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

I focused on the score, but I could never win
Trying to ignore, a life of hiding my sin
To label me a hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

Make every step lead me back to
The sovereign way that You

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

getting there slowly

Since my last post I have been thinking about things a little bit differently. I am starting to realize that just because I don't know as much as some other christians doesn't mean that i'm any less than them and that I can't be there for them as a friend. I still feel lower than them but not quite as much as I used too. I'm slowly starting to notice that I have a lot to offer to others if I would just step out of my box and be bold. When God has placed something on my heart to say to someone I need to say it to them and not worry about being lower than them and it not being my place to say it since i'm not on their level. I need to just say it no matter what. It's going to take me some time before I will get to this point but with God I will one day be there and I can't wait.

why?

One thing I don't understand is why we can't be on the same level as a christian. I know you said it's not that way at all but in reality it is. I feel like you are "higher up" spiritually than me and I can't really be there for you the way I want to be there for you as a friend. Where in my spiritual walk do I have to be before I can offer you anything as a friend. There have been times when I have wanted to say a prayer for you but since you are "higher up" spiritualy my prayer won't really be that meaningful to you. I really care about you and I want to be there for you in any way I can but I feel like it's not my place and it kind of makes me sad. I kind of feel like i'm at the bottom of the totem pole and I have a lot to work on before I am even close to your level. I have so much to say but feel like I can't say it because there are other people that can offer you something better that will help you more than anything little ol' me could ever say. Some days I feel like I should just be bold and just say what I want to say but then someone else comes along that is on your level and I don't get to say anything. I feel like if I do say something that it's just going to be something that you already know or you have heard it before so it won't really mean that much to you. Why do things have to be this way? I thought we were on the same level but just at different points in our spiritual walks but i'm starting to realize that you are "higher up" and you can be there for me but I just can't always be there for you. I do feel like I can be there for you privately like when i'm having my prayer time I can pray for you and maybe send you a text every now and then but in person I just don't feel like I have anything to offer you that hasn't already been said to you or done for you. If I just had boldness then I think I could get past all this stuff and just say what I want to say but I just don't have boldness right now. It's almost like you are a big girl christian and i'm just a little girl christian. I wish that I didn't feel this way but I do and it's something i'm going to have to deal with. In the past few years I have felt like my close christian friendships have been one way friendships where they can be there for me and offer me so much but I can only offer them very little because it's not my place and i'm not at there level as a christian. I don't want to have one way friendships anymore. I want two way friendships where they are there for me and I can be there for them the same way they are there for me. I just don't know if I will get that any time soon but that is something that I am going to pray about. I really treasure my friendships and I want to be there for my friends in any way I can but there are just some friends that I have that I feel like I can't really offer them much as a friend because i'm just not on there level as a christian.