Can't put into words

I have not written a blog post in a while and I have really been wanting to post but I haven't known what to write. A lot of things have happened since my last post and I have wanted to write about all of it but I don't really know how to put it into words. If I can ever figure out how to put it into word I will post it but for now it will just be a bunch of thoughts drifting through my mind. I seem to have this problem a lot and that is why I don't really post things very often. I'm not very good at putting thoughts into words so that other people will understand them and want to read them. Maybe that is why hardly anybody comments on my posts...oh well. I'm not going to let that stop me from posting on my blog. Maybe after my trip to washington I will have something interesting to write about but for now this is all i've got.

Worry

Why do we worry? It seems like it's just part of our human nature. It's like if we don't have something to worry about then we end up looking for things to worry about or we worry about things that are not even worth worrying about. Then we wish we didn't worry so much and we get all stressed out. There is something wrong with this picture here. Worrying does not change any of our situations and it just makes us all stressed out and nobody likes being stressed out. It causes us to miss out on some good moments in our lives because we are spending so much time worrying about things. What we need to do is give all our worries up to God so we can have that burden lifted off of us. If we know this then why is it so hard for us to give all our worries up to God? I think it's because we as humans like to be in control of our situations and giving our worries up to God means that we trust that he is in control of our situations. That is hard for us as humans. God says in Matthew 11:28-30, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." This is something that we should all remember when we are worried about something. Even though it may be hard to give all your worries to God and give up control, in the end it will be so worth it because you will be able to experience the feedom and peace of Christ and you will have more joy in every situation instead of being brought down by worry. Christ died on the cross for all our sins so why wouldn't we want to give our worries up to Him? If we don't give our worries up to God then it's like saying that he only died on the cross for some of our sins and that is not it at all. He died for ALL of our sins. We can only experience the fullness of Christ when we have given ALL of ourselves up to God not just some. Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

"that connection"

Do people really care, or is it just that they only care sometimes? I think it's only in certain situations that they care and they don't always care. Close friends...yes, "that connection"...no. It's all a one way thing with everyone and it's all on me. I have to do it all to make things happen or i'd have nothing and people wouldn't care at all. It's just a sometimes thing and I don't have "that connection" with anyone, not one person. It makes me really sad and i'm thinking maybe it's me and I need to do something about it. Or maybe i'm making a big deal over nothing. I'm also kind of tired of it. It's kind of like a relationship where i'm doing all the calling and the boyfriend never calls. I want to have "that connection" that other people have with each other. I have thought this off and on for a while and I don't think things are going to change unless I do something about it. That means that it's going to be a one way thing again and it's all on me. Ugh!

Undo-Rush of Fools

I've been here before, now here I am again
Standing at the door, praying You'll let me back in
To label me a prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

I focused on the score, but I could never win
Trying to ignore, a life of hiding my sin
To label me a hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

Make every step lead me back to
The sovereign way that You

[Chorus]
Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one who can undo
What I've become

getting there slowly

Since my last post I have been thinking about things a little bit differently. I am starting to realize that just because I don't know as much as some other christians doesn't mean that i'm any less than them and that I can't be there for them as a friend. I still feel lower than them but not quite as much as I used too. I'm slowly starting to notice that I have a lot to offer to others if I would just step out of my box and be bold. When God has placed something on my heart to say to someone I need to say it to them and not worry about being lower than them and it not being my place to say it since i'm not on their level. I need to just say it no matter what. It's going to take me some time before I will get to this point but with God I will one day be there and I can't wait.

why?

One thing I don't understand is why we can't be on the same level as a christian. I know you said it's not that way at all but in reality it is. I feel like you are "higher up" spiritually than me and I can't really be there for you the way I want to be there for you as a friend. Where in my spiritual walk do I have to be before I can offer you anything as a friend. There have been times when I have wanted to say a prayer for you but since you are "higher up" spiritualy my prayer won't really be that meaningful to you. I really care about you and I want to be there for you in any way I can but I feel like it's not my place and it kind of makes me sad. I kind of feel like i'm at the bottom of the totem pole and I have a lot to work on before I am even close to your level. I have so much to say but feel like I can't say it because there are other people that can offer you something better that will help you more than anything little ol' me could ever say. Some days I feel like I should just be bold and just say what I want to say but then someone else comes along that is on your level and I don't get to say anything. I feel like if I do say something that it's just going to be something that you already know or you have heard it before so it won't really mean that much to you. Why do things have to be this way? I thought we were on the same level but just at different points in our spiritual walks but i'm starting to realize that you are "higher up" and you can be there for me but I just can't always be there for you. I do feel like I can be there for you privately like when i'm having my prayer time I can pray for you and maybe send you a text every now and then but in person I just don't feel like I have anything to offer you that hasn't already been said to you or done for you. If I just had boldness then I think I could get past all this stuff and just say what I want to say but I just don't have boldness right now. It's almost like you are a big girl christian and i'm just a little girl christian. I wish that I didn't feel this way but I do and it's something i'm going to have to deal with. In the past few years I have felt like my close christian friendships have been one way friendships where they can be there for me and offer me so much but I can only offer them very little because it's not my place and i'm not at there level as a christian. I don't want to have one way friendships anymore. I want two way friendships where they are there for me and I can be there for them the same way they are there for me. I just don't know if I will get that any time soon but that is something that I am going to pray about. I really treasure my friendships and I want to be there for my friends in any way I can but there are just some friends that I have that I feel like I can't really offer them much as a friend because i'm just not on there level as a christian.

Things change

Have you ever had that feeling where you just know that you are in the right place doing exactly what God wants you to do? Have you felt joy and feedom because of it? Well, I have. The past couple of semesters I have felt like I am right where God wants me and doing exactly what he has called me to do. It has really been awesome, until recently when I have felt like that has all been taken away from me and things are changing. I don't really understand why things are changing the way they are but i'm sure God has a reason for it. I don't understand why God would change the one thing that I know he has called me to do, the one thing that has been such a positive thing in my life and has ment so much to me. I wish that God could reveal to me the reaon for this change right at the beginning cause it would make going through this a lot easier. I just have to remember that in his time he will reveal things to me, so for now I will have to be patient and deal with it the best way I know how. Change is never easy and nobody likes to go through change but if we keep our trust in God he will get us through it.

The weather

So yesterday I got woken up by the rain at 4:30 in the morning...not cool! It took me forever to get back to sleep. When I actually had to get up I went downstairs and opened the door to check the weather and it was soooo cold and raining it was gross. I didn't want to leave and go to class in that kind of weather. But, by the strength and grace of God I was able to finish getting ready and make my way to class. The weather didn't really get that much better throughout the day either. I was hoping that today the weather would be much better but the weather has been kind of the same, with just a little bit less rain. One thing I dislike more than anything is being cold! When I am cold I just feel like I will never be able to get warm again. I hate the feeling! I am not ready for this fall weather yet! It came so suddenly. I want the summer weather to come back for a little while but I think that fall weather is here to stay. I guess I will have to wait till spring for the warm weather again.

Use Me

Spirit of the living God

Fall afresh on me

Spirit of the living God

Fall afresh on me

Melt me, mold me

Fill me, use me

Spirit of the living God

Fall afresh on me

This song reminds me a lot of my dad and he used to sing it a lot at church. It reminds me of how God used him to touch other peoples lives. One thing he used to always say that has really stuck with me is "It's not about me, it's about how I can make a difference in someone elses life." I am ready for things to not be about me anymore and for God to use me to make a difference in someone elses life. If everyone had that mentality just think of what this world would be like.

ups and downs

Last weekend I moved back to San Marcos and I was so happy to be back with all my friends. Things could not have been better. Then last night my very good friend came over and we just talked about everything. It was so awesome! But when she left I had this empty feeling inside and I just wanted to cry. I don't really know why I felt that way but I did. Then today we had a picnic with my campus ministry and I still felt kind of empty, I even felt a little bit down. I then realized that I felt that way because I didn't feel as much of a christian as my friend. I know that it's not true but thats just how I felt. After the picnic I was talking to my friend online and she told me something that has stuck with me for the rest of the day. She said that peole's walks with Christ are all different and people come from different backgrounds. I am just at a different part of my walk with Christ than she is but that does not mean that i'm less of a christian. one day I might be at the point where she is but right now i'm not but i'm still just as much of a christian as she is. I am happy with what God is doing in my life and I know that he is not finished with me yet. God puts people in your livess so he can speak through them to us and I feel very blessed to have have friends like that.

moving

Today I had to get up early for a Dr. appointment in Austin and I was not looking forward to it. There are some things in life that just make being a woman kind of suck. Anyways, I got that over with and it feels good to have that off my list of things to worry about. When we got back to Brenham we had to rent a truck and load what is the the biggest futon I have ever seen in the back of it. When we got home we had to load several other pieces of furniture in the back of the truck. Some very nice friends of ours came over and helped us, which was very nice of them because they are boyscouts and they know how to use bungie cords. During all of this we look up at the sky and notice that it's getting very dark. I was thinking, man this is just our luck that it would start raining right when we put all the furniture in the back of the truck. So we put tarps over it and hoped for the best. within 30 min. it rained for about 3 min. and that was it. So all is well and the furniture didn't get wet. yay! Most of the stuff is loaded in the two cars and the other stuff is on it's way to being ready to go. This is my last night at home with my mom before school starts and it's a bitter sweet moment for me. I am happy to go back to school to see all my friends but i'm sad to leave my mom in Brenham by herself. I know that I will be seeing he on some weekends and on holidays but it's still sad when I have spent my whole summer with her. Now I must finish packing and get some sleep so I will be ready for the 2 hour drive to San Marcos tomorrow and for a long day of unloading stuff in my new apartment. I hope tomorrow will be a good day and I can't wait to get settled in my new place.

Awesome weekend

This weekend I went to lake Buchannen with some amazing people and I really had a great time. It was so nice to get away from things and just be able to enjoy God's creation. I have been dealing with some stuff this summer and for the first time this weekend I did not even think about it and it was awesome! I am soooo glad that I finally said yes to going cause it not I would have missed out on something great. Through this lake trip I feel that I have made some friends that I will keep in touch with for the rest of my life. I think one of God's greatest gifts to man is the gift of friendship. I am really going to miss all the friends that I made on the lake trip. Now that the lake trip is over I have to start thinking about going back to school which is something I am not ready for. So while I get ready to go back to school I will enjoy all the great memories I have from the awesome weekend at the lake.

Ordinary

I have not posted anything in a while because not much has gone on in my life since I last posted. My days are consumed by going to work and coming home to read for school. That is pretty much my life for the rest of July and first part of August. Hopefully something will come up that will give me a break from this boring schedule. Even through this boring schedule I am trying to see the good in it all and how God it moving in my life. You know, so many people think that in order for them to see God in their life then something extraordinary has to happen but in reality God is there working in your life all the time. What we need to do is try to see God working through the ordinary things in life. He is not always going to show up in what people call the extraordinay and if we take the time to see God through the ordinary then the ordinary will become the extraordinaary.

Perfect People

"Perfect People"-Natalie Grant

~

Never let 'em see you when you're breaking

Never let 'em see you when you fall

That's how we live and that's how we try

Tell the world you've got it all together

Never let them see what's underneath

Cover it up with a crooked smile

But it only lasts for a little while

~

There's no such thing as perfect people

There's no such thing as a perfect life

So come as you are, broken and scarred

Lift up your heart and be amazed

And be changed by a perfect God

~

Suddenly it's like a weight is lifted

When you hear the words that you are loved

He knows where you are and where you've been

And you never have to go there again

~

There's no such thing as perfect people

There's no such thing as a perfect life

So come as you are, broken and scarred

Lift up your heart and be amazed

And be changed by a perfect God

~

Who lived and died to give new life

To heal our imperfections

So look up and see out let grace be enough

~

There's no such thing as perfect people

There's no such thing as a perfect life

So come as you are, broken and scarred

Lift up your heart and be amazed

And be changed by a perfect God

~

By a perfect God

Be changed by a perfect God

Be changed

Freedom

Tonight I sang with the Brenham Children's Chorus and the Brenham Sacred Chorus for a 4th of July event. At first I wasn't really looking forward to it because we were going to have to ride on school buses and we were going to be singing outside in the heat. I was thinking of how I was going to make it through it since i'm not even that patriotic to begin with. The 4th of July shouldn't just be about fireworks and singing patriotic songs but we should remember the real reason for our freedom in this world. We have been made free because Jesus died on the cross for us and I don't think enough people take the time to truly reflect on that on the 4th of July. When I thought of the real reason for our freedom it really put me in awe of what the Lord has done for us and it made singing patriotic songs out in the heat a lot more bearable and I actually kind of had a good time.

1st blog

I have always wanted to have a blog but I never knew what to write. I thought that my life wasn't interesting enough for a blog and nobody would want to read it. Then I read a friends blog that really touched my heart and I thought if a blog can touch someone the way it touched me then that's what I want to do. Everybody's life is unique and someone out there just might be touch or inspired by it in some way so be willing to share, even if it's just a small part.